No More Baked Beans

Gobbling up m&ms

2010-11-15T17:57:00.000-08:00

Tense, a glass of wine, finish a bag of candy. Was it because of watching Dexter, or the wine, or the sadness. It has been a sad day, a day where I notice my heartache all day long. Also Ken is out of town, am I lonely? Dont feel lonely, just feel stressed and want that feeling to go away. I'm sure I"m trying to change the way I feel, I also know that I'm going to feel like shit from the sugar, but I don't care, just want to cram it in. Why do I buy these? I'm actually feeling better typing this out and slowly will finish the candy. Tense again, holding my breath and shoving the candy in. Went downstairs and shoved some popcorn in. Threw it all up. Drinking a protein shake to help with any sugar left in me so I can sleep. Not a very relaxing night, not what I wanted at all. Now learn from this and its ok.

Half way through November

2010-11-14T16:52:00.000-08:00

I have not gotten on my scale the whole month and I'm not feeling any type of worry over it at all. My clothes fit about the same. Tonight my tummy if pretty bloated, I'm thinking from the half of bag of m&ms I ate this afternoon. I think that sugar is a bloater for me, maybe even more then grains. I'll pay more attention. Yesterday and today and I walked/ran and worked up a pretty big appetite both days. Exercise probably does cause me to eat more :), but I like what it does for my health. I'll just have to listen more closely to the cues on what and how much to eat. Eat with intention, I'm pretty happy with my progress so far. I'm not fat, I'm at a very healthy weight. I look better then most people my age and I'm probably healthier then most my age. I still strive to be the best I can be, so I keep eating and exercising with INTENT. I goof up some, but so what??

Last week's Alanon was on the serenity prayer, what we can and can not control. It brought back all those bad memories of me trying to control and manipulate everything Ken did so that our family could survive, so that I would not feel like a lowdown redneck, so that I would not be embarrassed. What is that I was suppose to learn, is it humility? To not be a snob? The drinking stuck that nerve in me of what I'm most afraid of, for people to think I'm stupid, a redneck, a lowlife, that I"m not good enough. I lived with my worse fears for years. I still have some of those fears, its probably why I have rosecia. I think I have a fear of embarrassment period. Hmmm, kind of got off target but I will definitely give this some more thought. I also remembered how after the girls were gone. I had told Kay, the girls were grown and ok, and Kay corrected me and said they were grown and gone.... that I stopped trying to control anything, I just started living my own life, I really did not give much of a damn about what Ken did, as long as it did not interfere with me living my life. I guess I had given up on my marriage completely by then. I remember thinking that I did not even have a good partnership. I guess I was just scared to go on it all on my own. I know I also did not want the girls or Ken to not have a relationship any more and I thought I needed to be with him for that to happen. It was not all for selfish reasons. I also did not want to hurt Ken. I thought him to fragile to deal with divorce even though for all purposes it looked like that was what he wanted, but I knew that was not best for him. But was it best for me? I would not let myself really think about it, because I think I knew that it would have been best. But I'm no saint, so why was it so important to me to keep Ken safe? It seems to me that keeping him safe has always been my purpose, but why? and isn't that just a bunch of baloney? Am I saying that so that I don't look like an idiot? I don't know.
I told Kay that I felt stuck this week. What I meant was that I was stuck in time from when Brooke died. I think she thinks that I mean I'm stuck with Ken or my life or something, that it was some type of Freudian slip. I just have started realizing that I'm half awake, or not really being myself, that I'm slooooow, I'm just not all here. I feel like I'm starting to wake up, and that is what makes me know that in the previous months I'm just not completely together. I'm a different person, I've lost the person I was. I have trouble remembering what month it is, that has happened since Brooke died, another reason that I feel stuck, like time has not passed even when I know it is whizzing by. 8 months already.

The impossible run

2010-11-07T09:13:00.000-08:00

Last night we ran the 5k impossible run, started at 1:50 AM right before the time change. I ran all but 4-5 mins when I dropped my phone, that felt awesome. I'm almost a runner! I brought some beads from Brooke's necklace so that she could run with me, the beads were just a reminder, I know she is with me with or without me carrying them.
Speaking of the beads. They are from the necklace that she was last wearing. I've had this thought in my head about her living through me, that she is part of me, and that if my life is good then she is still having a good life. I thought it may help me to remember to live well, to live for both of us, and to take her along. I thought about her often while I was on my solo run last night, it did not feel solo at all. We did it, we ran during the middle of the night and it was fun.
Ken and I are going to a grief support group Tuesday night, I'll miss my Alanon but I think this will be good for both of us. Kay had suggested that Ken may need this before the holidays and it was up to me to direct him. We spoke a little about the holiday's and enjoying them, I think we can get to a good place, to enjoy and celebrate with those with love while remembering our daughter whose body is no longer with us. I have to keep reminding myself that its just her body that is missing. I don't always believe it but I'm trying.

A fly on the wall

2010-11-05T17:49:00.000-07:00

I was so looking forward to the weekend, of course that is how I feel every week. I feel bored and unsatisfied at work. I want to be home "fixing" my house, or "fixing" me, I really feel like I need some time away. I have not had any time off this year that was all about rest and rejuvenation and I need that.

I saw Kay yesterday. We talked about the holidays and Ken and finding a grief support group. She made some suggestions on how to "manipulate" his mood, to turn the holiday's around to something we could enjoy while we still grieved for Brooke. I have to admit she has always been right, at least her intentions are right, I have to adjust the ideas to work for me, but that is what she is for, idea's. I looked up Mary Lyn's law after our appointment and read the Date Line transcript. I don't know how her family coped with all of that. I felt small that I had not had more interest, I realized that I was very self absorbed, something that I accuse Ken of all the time. I'm a little confused. I'm wondering how Kay can sit there and listen to be being stuck where I am while I''m complaing about Ken being stuck. I'm confused because I feel like I have not been a good friend, then I remember that we are not friends, not really. She is doing her job, and I'm sure she likes me, I don't doubt that, but geez she is patient. I realized that she does not even really know me, she may know some of my traits but she has no real idea of my interest, That I practice Tai Chi, that I have a orange belt, my obsession with health (she may have the same). She has never met my family, or seen pictures of my kids.
I was thinking today of how we really don't know what life will bring day to day, how it seems to go on and on without any change at all, but it really is in constant change. I was thinking that I probably watched the date line show about Mary Lyn, never in a million years knowing that 7 years later I would be seeing her sister once a week for 8 months now. Or how I would go to work for a company where the owner would give me 25000 shares of stock because he is generous and wanted to thank me. Or that my baby girl would die before I did. I never thought my brothers would die young, Rachel would be gay, that I would never be a grandmother. But, I don't really know that. Rachel could have a child, I could have a child in my life that I considered to be my own, I really just have no idea what the next min, will bring, never mind tomorrow, next month, or next year. How interesting to live life as a fly on the wall, to observe and to accept and to keep breathing. I just looked down at my feet where the sweetest pit bull in the whole world is laying next to me, I certainly never knew he would be in my life.
I still want to live my life with Brooke being part of my world, living and breathing through me. While I know she lives with God, she is with me also.
In other news, a little to much sugar the last couple of days, not terrible binging, but too much. Enough to make me feel bad and to feel bad about myself. I will refocus on my intention to look and feel good and healthy.
Tomorrow night is the impossible run, I'm hoping Tracy does not wimp out! I'm looking forward to the walk/run.

Sometimes its ok

2010-11-03T18:04:00.000-07:00

I was feeling stressed today at work, then tension in my body was bothersome. It may have been because I had a follow up with Dr Kamaran, who knows but it was not a "good" day. BUT, then I planned to have a great relaxing evening once I got home. Ken had class tonight, so I decided to come home hop in my pj's and watch my shows that I had recorded. I poured a glass of white, poured a bowl of M&M's and hopped in the bed for two hours. Got up from there and took a hot bath, talked to Brooke by candlelight, told her my feelings and told her goodbye and that it was time for our 3rd phase. First being her growing up at home, Second being a young adult on her own, and now 3rd, living with her as a part of me and with her energy.The fourth phase will be an eternity joined with her. I felt great sadness saying good bye and I'm not foolish to believe I'm done with it, accepting it, and will not try to grab her back and wish her with me. But, its a first step.
After the bath, I practiced Tai Chi. I want to study and practice it and apply it to my running. There is a style called Chi Running and I bet it will be perfect for me.
Last night at Alanon we talked about Hope and old habits/coping mechanism's. Also death and grief came up alot. It was a good meeting. Tomorrow is Kay. I don't know how much longer she will be there and when I'll find out about Mike and what is going on at that office.
I was weighed at the Dr office today, 132 with shoes and clothes and a light jacket on. I think I'm doing good with the mindful eating, thinking about my choices and not over doing it. I AM doing well, learning as I go, not listening to rules, stopping before I'm stuffed, not being afraid of food, its just lunch as Swigg says!

Acceptance

2010-11-03T11:54:00.001-07:00

I don't want to accept it. I feel empty, unsure of myself. I feel like I need something but I can't every figure out what it is I need. I'm sad, I'm tense, I'm afraid and I'm confused. I'm tired, I don't ever feel rested, I hurt.

Sometimes I think that if I stuff myself I will feel better. I think I'm just looking for anything to change the way I feel, eat a bunch, be stuffed and feel that instead of the emptiness.

Decorating does take up some of the nothingness. It's something to focus on, a good change that is visible, that I can look at and feel better for a little while.

It is hard to believe that I can get up each day and function like everything is normal. I'm not sure if the holiday season is bringing up deeper emotions or if the shock is wearing off a little more, but I feel so sad.

Halloween Weekend

2010-10-31T16:55:00.000-07:00

It has been an emotional weekend for both Ken and me. Today I went through Brooke's desktop computer and went through her pictures. I had seen most of them but some were new to me. I became tense and started hurting in my neck and back. Ken had cracked the password last night and had looked at the pictures and had cried most of the night. We talked about grief this morning. I told him how I thought maybe that Brooke chose to go with the light because it was so perfect, it was what she was wanting. The paramedics were able to get a heartbeat again but she chose not to come back. I also told him that I believed that Brooke was a part of me and that I could live for her, by living my life I was also living hers.

I had candy today and could feel it almost immediately. I've tried all weekend to eat mindfully and I'm doing a pretty good job. I'm still gobbling up my food to quickly but I'm working on that. I'm trying to take really good care of myself. I feel pretty worn out tonight.

Ken said something interesting to me yesterday. he had been working on our shower and cussing up a storm and behaving angry, behaving in ways I hate. He apologized afterwards and told me he was finished and I could breathe again. He was right, I had been holding my breath. I do that when I'm upset. I'm sure I have told him that before, but that he remembered was very new.

I'm going to soak in a hot tub, I would love a glass of wine but I don't usually sleep well after having one.I'm hoping that writing this out will give me a release.

Grief Notes

2010-10-30T05:24:00.001-07:00

In the kitchen at work today we had brownies. I had left the room and came back in and a story was being told about cake at Brooke's funeral. There was some more story telling and laughter, but it was hurting me. I had stopped breathing. I cried some tears at my desk and I'm now remembering to breathe. Laughter is good, but its hard to accept it tied to her funeral.

Eating without rules but with intent

2010-10-30T05:23:00.001-07:00

I do have physical body goals, I do have an idea, a picture of what I want to look like. Keeping that picture in mind is helpful when considering my food choices. Food is so tangled up in my brain, it really is silly that this has happened to me.

Last night I think I slept better then I have in a long time. I made brownies last night, ate some batter ( plenty of it!) so skipped the real thing once it was done. I reminded myself I could eat brownies any time I wanted, noticed that my tummy hurt a little and that I felt a little like I had taken some speed so I stopped eating. I soaked in a hot tub with a flickering candle and some Joni Mitchell. That part was very relaxing. I breathed in Brooke, love and peace. I got on my knees and prayed and went to bed.

There is no reason for me to overeat, there is no reason for me to skip treats. Moderation and balance, keeping that in the front of my mind. Eating more slowly, putting the fork down between bites, stopping when I don't like it or if I'm full. There is always more food, I will never have to go hungry.

I think I just need to breathe. I have noticed how often I hold my breath. Just breathe

Where is my focus?

2010-10-30T05:22:00.001-07:00

Taking the focus off food, really doing it. What if I read no books, blogs, Internet on what was healthy, what would keep me from aging poorly, what foods to avoid, what to add etc and really really just trusted and listened to my body? What would happen, can I do it? Why do I read and study food so much? I have a very strong desire to look good, and I have a strong desire to be fit, and to feel good. I have never really been overweight, true, I may not always eat the "healthiest" at least when you are looking at my blood work and body fat%.

I would like to really give it a go. Stop and listen. Always before when I have thought about "intuitive" eating or mindful eating, whatever you want to call it, it seemed it gave me permission to eat junk, I would think that eventually I would not want the junk anymore and I would magically get to a wonderful (thin and fit) healthy place for my body. Well I don't think so. I have a brain so I should use it. It does not take a whole lot of reading or studying to know that too much sugar or starch is not good for me. So why binge on it when it just makes me want more and more and more?

Ok, I can see at least one problem I'll have when I take the focus on food. I need to place the focus somewhere else. I'm thinking that meditation, and gentle exercise could be a good substitute. To treat myself with special care, because I have had a terribly rough couple of years and I need to recover. I've been a little resentful of not having the kind of special care and time to get through this, and it has just dawned on me that I'm the only one that can give that to myself. So, I will do it. I also want to incorporate "living the life I wanted for Brooke" for myself. That gives me some comfort and also some gentle guidelines on how to take care of myself, would I want it for Brooke? Would I want other people to treat Brooke in anyway that is unacceptable or not desirable? I can expect to have the same conditions for the way people treat me.

Of these things I am certain. I want and desire a fit and thin, athletic body. I want good health. I want to look great, and I want to feel great. I want serenity and peace in my life. I want a warm safe comfortable home. I want pride in my home and yard. I want to be close to my family and friends.

Beans

2010-10-27T17:25:00.000-07:00

Beans, love them but I pay the price for 2-3 days after eating them.

I have felt fat the past couple of days after having a "thin" weekend. I "have" to figure out what makes me feel good and stick with it. Does food matter? I don't know, each book I read preaches something different, so many different camps, so many STRONG feelings on what people should eat for good health.

My back hurts in a "tired" way, hips almost always hurt, some shoulder and neck pain... Occasional headaches, some drainage. Can all of this be from food/diet?

Auto Immunity... Google sure thinks I need to cut our wheat and sugar and dairy.

Insomnia, tingling in my knees, shoulder and hip pain, body temp fluctuations, these plague me each night, along with dry mouth and eyes.

I want to start back a meditation practice, Tai Chi, foam rolling. Run a 5k, maybe workout with weights once a week. I would love to squeeze in some yoga.

I want the body that yoga creates, a dancer's body, flexible yet strong, fit and healthy.

I want to find the balance that is perfect for me, perfect in a way that is natural to me, whatever that is. I know that baked beans can't be part of my lifestyle if I want to feel good :). So I start here, no more baked beans.

I'm upping my estrogen to see if that helps with sleep and tingling in my legs. I have left a message with Leslie for a laser appointment. I have cute clothes in my closet ready to keep my cute for the fall and winter, I need to lose about 3-4 pounds for them to fit really well, that is easy, I will just get that out of the way.

I left work today wanting to binge, nothing really in particular happened. I was a little extra stressed at work and I was hurting (hips). I wanted to change my feelings and the only way I know how to do that "fast" is to eat, I was rally craving sugar and considered all kinds of ways to get it..but I came on home instead. I ended up eating a bbq sandwich with chips and an ice cream bar, thought about a hot bath with wine, had considered "lots" of wine, but I do know that I would not feel good tonight or tomorrow if I had the wine and I skipped it.

There are lots of thoughts about my grieving process. I am still in a state of disbelief. I feel like I have misplaced something very valuable and that I should be able to find it, and no matter what I do, I can't find it. There is nothing that could have prepared me for this unbelievable event in my life. Today I was thinking of myself as a teenager, a young adult, a young mother, a mother of teenage girls, a mother to grown girls..That woman never knew that her daughter would die, would not be there with her all of her life. I realize that I no NOTHING of what tomorrow brings, good or bad or neutral.

I want to live in the present, to live my life as it happens, to observe, moment to moment, a fly on the wall. Surely Brooke is still with me now and will be with me again when I die.