I have not gotten on my scale the whole month and I'm not feeling any type of worry over it at all. My clothes fit about the same. Tonight my tummy if pretty bloated, I'm thinking from the half of bag of m&ms I ate this afternoon. I think that sugar is a bloater for me, maybe even more then grains. I'll pay more attention. Yesterday and today and I walked/ran and worked up a pretty big appetite both days. Exercise probably does cause me to eat more :), but I like what it does for my health. I'll just have to listen more closely to the cues on what and how much to eat. Eat with intention, I'm pretty happy with my progress so far. I'm not fat, I'm at a very healthy weight. I look better then most people my age and I'm probably healthier then most my age. I still strive to be the best I can be, so I keep eating and exercising with INTENT. I goof up some, but so what??
Last week's Alanon was on the serenity prayer, what we can and can not control. It brought back all those bad memories of me trying to control and manipulate everything Ken did so that our family could survive, so that I would not feel like a lowdown redneck, so that I would not be embarrassed. What is that I was suppose to learn, is it humility? To not be a snob? The drinking stuck that nerve in me of what I'm most afraid of, for people to think I'm stupid, a redneck, a lowlife, that I"m not good enough. I lived with my worse fears for years. I still have some of those fears, its probably why I have rosecia. I think I have a fear of embarrassment period. Hmmm, kind of got off target but I will definitely give this some more thought. I also remembered how after the girls were gone. I had told Kay, the girls were grown and ok, and Kay corrected me and said they were grown and gone.... that I stopped trying to control anything, I just started living my own life, I really did not give much of a damn about what Ken did, as long as it did not interfere with me living my life. I guess I had given up on my marriage completely by then. I remember thinking that I did not even have a good partnership. I guess I was just scared to go on it all on my own. I know I also did not want the girls or Ken to not have a relationship any more and I thought I needed to be with him for that to happen. It was not all for selfish reasons. I also did not want to hurt Ken. I thought him to fragile to deal with divorce even though for all purposes it looked like that was what he wanted, but I knew that was not best for him. But was it best for me? I would not let myself really think about it, because I think I knew that it would have been best. But I'm no saint, so why was it so important to me to keep Ken safe? It seems to me that keeping him safe has always been my purpose, but why? and isn't that just a bunch of baloney? Am I saying that so that I don't look like an idiot? I don't know.
I told Kay that I felt stuck this week. What I meant was that I was stuck in time from when Brooke died. I think she thinks that I mean I'm stuck with Ken or my life or something, that it was some type of Freudian slip. I just have started realizing that I'm half awake, or not really being myself, that I'm slooooow, I'm just not all here. I feel like I'm starting to wake up, and that is what makes me know that in the previous months I'm just not completely together. I'm a different person, I've lost the person I was. I have trouble remembering what month it is, that has happened since Brooke died, another reason that I feel stuck, like time has not passed even when I know it is whizzing by. 8 months already.
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