A fly on the wall

I was so looking forward to the weekend, of course that is how I feel every week. I feel bored and unsatisfied at work. I want to be home "fixing" my house, or "fixing" me, I really feel like I need some time away. I have not had any time off this year that was all about rest and rejuvenation and I need that.

I saw Kay yesterday. We talked about the holidays and Ken and finding a grief support group. She made some suggestions on how to "manipulate" his mood, to turn the holiday's around to something we could enjoy while we still grieved for Brooke. I have to admit she has always been right, at least her intentions are right, I have to adjust the ideas to work for me, but that is what she is for, idea's. I looked up Mary Lyn's law after our appointment and read the Date Line transcript. I don't know how her family coped with all of that. I felt small that I had not had more interest, I realized that I was very self absorbed, something that I accuse Ken of all the time. I'm a little confused. I'm wondering how Kay can sit there and listen to be being stuck where I am while I''m complaing about Ken being stuck. I'm confused because I feel like I have not been a good friend, then I remember that we are not friends, not really. She is doing her job, and I'm sure she likes me, I don't doubt that, but geez she is patient. I realized that she does not even really know me, she may know some of my traits but she has no real idea of my interest, That I practice Tai Chi, that I have a orange belt, my obsession with health (she may have the same). She has never met my family, or seen pictures of my kids.
I was thinking today of how we really don't know what life will bring day to day, how it seems to go on and on without any change at all, but it really is in constant change. I was thinking that I probably watched the date line show about Mary Lyn, never in a million years knowing that 7 years later I would be seeing her sister once a week for 8 months now. Or how I would go to work for a company where the owner would give me 25000 shares of stock because he is generous and wanted to thank me. Or that my baby girl would die before I did. I never thought my brothers would die young, Rachel would be gay, that I would never be a grandmother. But, I don't really know that. Rachel could have a child, I could have a child in my life that I considered to be my own, I really just have no idea what the next min, will bring, never mind tomorrow, next month, or next year. How interesting to live life as a fly on the wall, to observe and to accept and to keep breathing. I just looked down at my feet where the sweetest pit bull in the whole world is laying next to me, I certainly never knew he would be in my life.
I still want to live my life with Brooke being part of my world, living and breathing through me. While I know she lives with God, she is with me also.
In other news, a little to much sugar the last couple of days, not terrible binging, but too much. Enough to make me feel bad and to feel bad about myself. I will refocus on my intention to look and feel good and healthy.
Tomorrow night is the impossible run, I'm hoping Tracy does not wimp out! I'm looking forward to the walk/run.