Beans

Beans, love them but I pay the price for 2-3 days after eating them.

I have felt fat the past couple of days after having a "thin" weekend. I "have" to figure out what makes me feel good and stick with it. Does food matter? I don't know, each book I read preaches something different, so many different camps, so many STRONG feelings on what people should eat for good health.

My back hurts in a "tired" way, hips almost always hurt, some shoulder and neck pain... Occasional headaches, some drainage. Can all of this be from food/diet?

Auto Immunity... Google sure thinks I need to cut our wheat and sugar and dairy.

Insomnia, tingling in my knees, shoulder and hip pain, body temp fluctuations, these plague me each night, along with dry mouth and eyes.

I want to start back a meditation practice, Tai Chi, foam rolling. Run a 5k, maybe workout with weights once a week. I would love to squeeze in some yoga.

I want the body that yoga creates, a dancer's body, flexible yet strong, fit and healthy.

I want to find the balance that is perfect for me, perfect in a way that is natural to me, whatever that is. I know that baked beans can't be part of my lifestyle if I want to feel good :). So I start here, no more baked beans.

I'm upping my estrogen to see if that helps with sleep and tingling in my legs. I have left a message with Leslie for a laser appointment. I have cute clothes in my closet ready to keep my cute for the fall and winter, I need to lose about 3-4 pounds for them to fit really well, that is easy, I will just get that out of the way.

I left work today wanting to binge, nothing really in particular happened. I was a little extra stressed at work and I was hurting (hips). I wanted to change my feelings and the only way I know how to do that "fast" is to eat, I was rally craving sugar and considered all kinds of ways to get it..but I came on home instead. I ended up eating a bbq sandwich with chips and an ice cream bar, thought about a hot bath with wine, had considered "lots" of wine, but I do know that I would not feel good tonight or tomorrow if I had the wine and I skipped it.

There are lots of thoughts about my grieving process. I am still in a state of disbelief. I feel like I have misplaced something very valuable and that I should be able to find it, and no matter what I do, I can't find it. There is nothing that could have prepared me for this unbelievable event in my life. Today I was thinking of myself as a teenager, a young adult, a young mother, a mother of teenage girls, a mother to grown girls..That woman never knew that her daughter would die, would not be there with her all of her life. I realize that I no NOTHING of what tomorrow brings, good or bad or neutral.

I want to live in the present, to live my life as it happens, to observe, moment to moment, a fly on the wall. Surely Brooke is still with me now and will be with me again when I die.